The Great American Mass Shooting Festival begins next week

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Glendale, AZ: Excited Americans are thronging to the desert landscape of Glendale (Arizona) for the annual American Mass Shooting Festival about to begin next week. Americans, from all over the country, are descending to this city of over 200,000 to take part in this mega event that provides an opportunity to the great American people to exercise their God given, and constitutionally protected, right to bear and use arms. The organizers of the event, The Freedom Group, is hoping for record participation this year and there are expected to be more than 100,000 mass shooting during the week-long event. “Now that many of the soldiers are back from Iraq and Afghanistan, we are expecting heightened participation. We have special Iraq and Afghanistan themed shooting zones (we call them Enduring Freedom Zones) complete with women dressed in Burqa and children dressed in Kurta and Lungi” says Rice W. Means, the chief organizer of the event.

Barack Obama, a patron of the event.

“After last years impressive performance by Adam Lanza at the Connecticut Mass Shooting games where he single handedly scored 26 hits within an hour, the pressure is high this year. Thankfully, I have my trusted Bushmaster with extra large capacity magazines. I think that just might do the trick” says John Porter, one of the participants who has been attending this event for 40 years. “I used to come here with my father and we had a great time shooting down those niggers. It was a great father son bonding moment for me when I helped my father score an entire nigger family, 4 points in the bag” says Porter who is here with his wife and spotter, Elizabeth Porter.

George Cordon. All ready

The Great American Mass shooting festival began in Colfax, Louisiana, in 1873 where Africans (and then not completely Americans) were hunted down by a jolly group of Americans just looking for a good time. Since then the tradition has continued and it is celebrated every year at a different American city. George Cordon, who has been preparing for this event for the whole year says “This is about freedom and the god given right to bear and use arms. I think had a good enough practice at Haditha (in Iraq where 24 unarmed men, women and children were killed in 2005 by American troops) and I will make every shot count. One shot one kill baby”.

22 year old Razia Hasan, a second generation American and one of the targets for this great American Festival, says that she survived the Fort Hood games in 2009 with only a bullet through her arm while her brother Asif received one 9mm round at the abdomen. Kim Su, a Chinese student at MIT and another of the targets, is preparing survival strategies with her Indian friend Milkha. “I think this is the price we have to pay for freedom. It is any day better than getting lynched by a random mob that thinks you are an Arab” says Milkha who habitually keeps a map of the world to explain to his American friends that India and Saudi Arabia are thousands of miles apart. “Reading maps is not one of their strong points. But they more than make up for it by blowing shit up” exclaims Kim.

“Our biggest attraction this year is the Bangalore Zone where laid off American IT workers, whose jobs have been Bangalored, can come and enjoy freedom by shooting Indians. We have the complete set up filled with people sitting at a PC or answering calls on a headset. Heck, we have even thrown in a cow and a beggar for good measure. Its the complete India experience for our customers” says Mark Schiender from Beretta Corp USA.

The United States has notoriously liberal gun control laws, and it has the highest rate of gun ownership in the world — an average of 88 per 100 people, according to a 2007 Small Arms Survey. America sees far more gun violence than countries in Europe, and Canada, India and Australia.When a person kills another in the United States, though, he or she generally uses a gun: 60 percent of U.S. homicides occur using a firearm, which is the 26th-highest rate in the world. (In other gun-permeated countries, such as Finland (45.3 guns per 100 people), only about 19 percent of homicides involve a firearm.

Disclaimer: As you would have guessed this is a fake article. It is a response to this National Report article which says there is an annual mass rape festival in Assam (a state in India). The National Report article is supposed to be satire but it has taken satire way too far and beyond the limits of propriety. Also as you will notice, that article doesn’t anywhere mention it’s satire. I at least have decency to mention that this is fake.

I apologize for everything I have written above. It is despicable and making fun of deaths of innocents is unpardonable. I know that. And believe me when I say that we Indians too were equally shocked an distressed at the mass shooting at Sandy Hook. I think American Gun control laws should be tighter and taking cover behind the garb of the Second Amendment ain’t gonna cut it. I really do not understand why the average American needs any firearms, let alone automatics and snipers.

Similarly, we Indians are ashamed of the crimes against women that happen in India, be it rapes or domestic violence or the general lack of freedom many women face in their daily lives. We want a change in mindset but that doesn’t happen in a day or week or even a year. It takes time. That being said, we have had an woman Prime Minister as well as a woman President. The most powerful person in the country right now is also a woman, Sonia Gandhi. We have had female suffrage ever since independence. We have our problems and we are trying to deal with them.

Also if I may add, the place, Assam, mentioned in the National Report article, is a beautiful state in the northeast of India. It has a rich cultural tradition and it was one of the few places in India that held out against the British for the longest time. Incidentally, the first Assamese film, Joymoti, was about a brave woman named Soti Joymoti, the real story about an Ahom princess tortured and killed by the Ahom king Borphukan for refusing to betray her husband Gadapani by disclosing his whereabouts. Also the dowry system which plagues most of India is almost absent in Assam.

Assam is however a poor state. And an article that unnecessarily targets a state in the name of satire is going to severely harm the very little tourism traffic it  gets. There are beautiful wild life sanctuaries is Assam, the Kaziranga National Park has the one horned rhino. Assam is a place of hills and valleys and rivers and a great culture.

PS: I welcome you all to comment. But a civil discourse will be deeply appreciated

 

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204 responses to “The Great American Mass Shooting Festival begins next week”

  1. Jyotirmoy says :

    Motherf***ing Americans got a good lession.. you Assholes should know this is neither @Iraq nor @afganisthan. This is Assam(India) where girls doesnot roam in bikini, son and daughter doesnot drink with parents. We know how to respect elders. Appeal of BIHU and SATRIA dance is everywhere.. Assam is a small state of india and u am sure that we can compare with whole US..our culture is so old that we learnt reading and writing when you people were on trees, mind it . Nevet play wid our emotions..we want an apology from Barack Obama..

  2. Rozmin says :

    As an American, I think the mass shooting festival article is a great example of satire. I have no problems with it, am not offended by it, or anything like that. Satire is often not supposed to be just a “joke,” but rather a form of social/political commentary, and it can be very effective when used that way. The website in question did not write that article to slur or make fun of Assam, but as a form of commentary on what is unquestionably an issue in Indian society. As for not offering any explanation that the article is not real, (1) if you google the name of the publication (National Report) the first option that comes up is “national report satire”. (2) The Wikipedia entry for this website immediately identifies it as a satirical publication. And (3) they even have a disclaimer on their own site: http://nationalreport.net/disclaimer/

  3. Holyshityoureallracist says :

    Wow, I read the prev article regarding the rape festival. I’m sorry yanks (Aussie here) but the comments I have seen here from Americans is absolutely disgusting. You guys are so racist you don’t even realise it. @kash, you’re a douchebag, if you’re gonna insult someone at least have the common decency to spell it correctly.(loser has one o… Loser) @sloan, you are the biggest racist here
    “By the tone of your article you are just another stupid racist Indian, and it wouldn’t surprised me if you have a festival like that, you seems to be savages by nature.” Dude… Really? Wow. Oh and also to whoever said that Americans were smart enough to understand satire, that’s obviously a false statement considering the sheer number of people who believed the satyrical article regarding the rape festival. You guys can be as butt hurt as you like by THIS article… But I feel it is a justified response. And no I am not Indian or of Asian decent. I’m just a decent human being who actually has empathy. Peace Kents xo

  4. KB says :

    THE WAR BEGINS [ ASSAM vs AMERICANS ] ….. DON’T THINK THAT THIS IS AFGHANISTAN OR IRAQ …..BLOODY THIS IS ASSAM ….!!! FUCKING AMERICANS ……

  5. Ms Mond says :

    Firstly, your article was deeply humorous. However, if you are allowed to post satire about America, so is it equally fine for them to post satire about India. I am technically Indian, so I feel I have a right to say this, especially given the disgusting attitude many Indians have towards women. While it may be unfair to pinpoint only Assam, I do believe that all countries where rape is rife need to be shamed for it.

    • dubyabush911 says :

      I have no problem with satire about India. In fact we have a few satire sites of our own like FakingNews. What i object to is the attempt to create confusion and pass this off as true news just to gain popularity and page hits. People took this article for real and starting abusing Indians. That is my primary beef with the article. And yes making fun of rape in this manner isnt funny either.

    • Holyshityoureallracist says :

      The article about India came first, this is the response. I agree that the rape crimes in India are atrocious, however posting lies and slander is worse. There was no way to tell (aside from Google) that the Indian article was indeed fake, at least this guy owns that straight up

  6. Crystal says :

    I am so disgusted by the false article about the rapes. Who mAkes a joke like that? The writer of the article is sick.

    I am so sorry to read that the articld might hurt tourism. I will try my best tell everyone the article was false.

  7. fatimah says :

    i read the article. yes most of us Americans are intelligent enough to understand satire. and no…we’re not all immoral idiots…so get over yourselves. Irony of all this… people’s comments on this site went automatically against Americans. but the article about the Assam Rape festival was attacked by people all over the world (there are comments also in various languages). Yet i see most of the hateful remarks here seem to be made by people of asian descent who were offended by the other article. so what will be the next satire? Europes obsession with colonialization? or the Slave trade? South African genocide? bottom line…every country has a dirty past and as an American i find it hypocritical that people attack us when Europe, Asia, and basically everyone else have a boatload of skeletons in the closet.

    • dubyabush911 says :

      I am not sure why you are surprised that most comments here are from Indians. Indians were offended hence the comments. Besides, National Report is a long running quite popular site, this one started on Nov 7th. I am not attacking America, National Report started this. I am just giving them a dose of their(National Report, not Americans) own medicine.

  8. mkla says :

    hehehe, very funny come back. I don’t understand why people feel the need to write garbage such as the Indian Rape fest. I am embarrassed to be an American sometimes.

  9. Ihsan V. Huhu says :

    well, no one gets raped or shot, happy endings all over

  10. Kash says :

    The writer is the biggest looser who not only wasted his time but also wasted time to other looser who comments with this that “its good reply to the usa” bla bla… come one Indians… grow up… The website who published that article was already very famous and after that article they are more famous and got more publicity over the world and all Indian tv channels are covering them as well as govt of Assam facing too much problems. What you got ?? nothing because you are looser 🙂

    Read this one also. Will you write reply of this article aswell ??

    http://nationalreport.net/indian-woman-stoned-to-death-for-sending-husband-too-many-facebook-game-requests/

    • sloan says :

      180 Responses to “The Great American Mass Shooting Festival begins next week”
      By the tone of your article you are just another stupid racist Indian, and it wouldn’t surprised me if you have a festival like that, you seems to be savages by nature.

      • dubyabush911 says :

        You say we Indians are “savages by nature” and yet I am the racist here? Hypocrisy much?

      • Kalash says :

        It is a known fact that Americans like to use there guns at helpless people and animals. THey have shown it to the world repeatedly with there inhuman attacks on countries in the middle east and earlier during the World Wars. Americans even get orgasms by watching people getting tortured and burnt to death which was witnesses the world over during there exploits in the Abu Ghraib prison and Afghan, Iraq wars. So they have no right to point fingers at others

      • Se says :

        Sloan, by the tone of your comment, you are just another stupid racist North American (Canada excluded!), and it wouldn’t suprised me if you have a festival like that, you seem to be blood thirstly by nature.

    • Lady Myrtle Featherstone-Emsworth says :

      Youi are an idiot. First of all, it is “loser” and not a “looser”. Secondly you are the one who wasted our precious time writing garbage.

  11. chulbul says :

    oh man that was f**kin hilarious…that paul horner guy has won a pulitzer and a whole load of other awards, but his article wasn’t shit compared to this one. keep writing and kicking a$$ !

  12. Bhaskar says :

    I am an Assamese and after reading that farticle (yes a fart, not an article) on that national whatever .net site my blood boiled. But be sensible. It is a problem with the site owner and the writer. All they could do is fart. But you must not generalize it and attack American people. Are you sure that site is run by an American?

    That site is nothing but a blog running on WordPress with some broken plugins. They are doing this to earn cheap publicity so that they can earn from Google AdSense. We should attack that site not the sentiments of other people (Americans).

    Some good web hosts do take actions on issues like this. Their site is hosted by GoDaddy, which has bad reputation for takedown responses. So, I don’t think GoDaddy would respond. Instead we can report that site to Google AdSense. So that they can ban their adsense accounts. The owner of the site can be easily traced by following the adsense IDs (example: ca-pub-7114992468679543), for which govt must request Google.

    And if we want revenge, we should attack that site in mass. Many countries have groups for such activities. Why can’t we Assamese, Indians can something? What about posting a big image of One Horned Rhino on their homepage (let them stick the rhino horn on their a@# holes).

    • dubyabush911 says :

      Yes, National Report is indeed an American site. But understand that I didn’t want to take potshots at American, however that is surely the unintended consequence of my post. I regret that but I guess it was inevitable.

      Which is why I put a lengthy disclaimer. I have nothing against Americans, they are a great bunch of people, even the Justin Bieber fans 🙂

      Yes we could possibly report it to Google Adsense but I doubt if anything will happen. We won’t be the first people who are pissed off at a satire site, most satire sites work in the grey area between healthy satire and outright slander.

      However, I think the matter is mostly settled by now. People have realized it was fake news. Btw, a one horned rhino on their homepage would be awesome 😉

    • Subho Md Dali says :

      nice!!!!!!!!love the rhino part

  13. Shubham Shubham says :

    Awesome. Truly loved this. A befitting reply to the Americans. These people only understand the language in which you have replied to them. Hats off to you buddy. I will use my FB and Twitter handles to spread the word the way others are trying. Keep it up.

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