The Great American Mass Shooting Festival begins next week

Glendale, AZ: Excited Americans are thronging to the desert landscape of Glendale (Arizona) for the annual American Mass Shooting Festival about to begin next week. Americans, from all over the country, are descending to this city of over 200,000 to take part in this mega event that provides an opportunity to the great American people to exercise their God given, and constitutionally protected, right to bear and use arms. The organizers of the event, The Freedom Group, is hoping for record participation this year and there are expected to be more than 100,000 mass shooting during the week-long event. “Now that many of the soldiers are back from Iraq and Afghanistan, we are expecting heightened participation. We have special Iraq and Afghanistan themed shooting zones (we call them Enduring Freedom Zones) complete with women dressed in Burqa and children dressed in Kurta and Lungi” says Rice W. Means, the chief organizer of the event.

Barack Obama, a patron of the event.

“After last years impressive performance by Adam Lanza at the Connecticut Mass Shooting games where he single handedly scored 26 hits within an hour, the pressure is high this year. Thankfully, I have my trusted Bushmaster with extra large capacity magazines. I think that just might do the trick” says John Porter, one of the participants who has been attending this event for 40 years. “I used to come here with my father and we had a great time shooting down those niggers. It was a great father son bonding moment for me when I helped my father score an entire nigger family, 4 points in the bag” says Porter who is here with his wife and spotter, Elizabeth Porter.

George Cordon. All ready

The Great American Mass shooting festival began in Colfax, Louisiana, in 1873 where Africans (and then not completely Americans) were hunted down by a jolly group of Americans just looking for a good time. Since then the tradition has continued and it is celebrated every year at a different American city. George Cordon, who has been preparing for this event for the whole year says “This is about freedom and the god given right to bear and use arms. I think had a good enough practice at Haditha (in Iraq where 24 unarmed men, women and children were killed in 2005 by American troops) and I will make every shot count. One shot one kill baby”.

22 year old Razia Hasan, a second generation American and one of the targets for this great American Festival, says that she survived the Fort Hood games in 2009 with only a bullet through her arm while her brother Asif received one 9mm round at the abdomen. Kim Su, a Chinese student at MIT and another of the targets, is preparing survival strategies with her Indian friend Milkha. “I think this is the price we have to pay for freedom. It is any day better than getting lynched by a random mob that thinks you are an Arab” says Milkha who habitually keeps a map of the world to explain to his American friends that India and Saudi Arabia are thousands of miles apart. “Reading maps is not one of their strong points. But they more than make up for it by blowing shit up” exclaims Kim.

“Our biggest attraction this year is the Bangalore Zone where laid off American IT workers, whose jobs have been Bangalored, can come and enjoy freedom by shooting Indians. We have the complete set up filled with people sitting at a PC or answering calls on a headset. Heck, we have even thrown in a cow and a beggar for good measure. Its the complete India experience for our customers” says Mark Schiender from Beretta Corp USA.

The United States has notoriously liberal gun control laws, and it has the highest rate of gun ownership in the world — an average of 88 per 100 people, according to a 2007 Small Arms Survey. America sees far more gun violence than countries in Europe, and Canada, India and Australia.When a person kills another in the United States, though, he or she generally uses a gun: 60 percent of U.S. homicides occur using a firearm, which is the 26th-highest rate in the world. (In other gun-permeated countries, such as Finland (45.3 guns per 100 people), only about 19 percent of homicides involve a firearm.

Disclaimer: As you would have guessed this is a fake article. It is a response to this National Report article which says there is an annual mass rape festival in Assam (a state in India). The National Report article is supposed to be satire but it has taken satire way too far and beyond the limits of propriety. Also as you will notice, that article doesn’t anywhere mention it’s satire. I at least have decency to mention that this is fake.

I apologize for everything I have written above. It is despicable and making fun of deaths of innocents is unpardonable. I know that. And believe me when I say that we Indians too were equally shocked an distressed at the mass shooting at Sandy Hook. I think American Gun control laws should be tighter and taking cover behind the garb of the Second Amendment ain’t gonna cut it. I really do not understand why the average American needs any firearms, let alone automatics and snipers.

Similarly, we Indians are ashamed of the crimes against women that happen in India, be it rapes or domestic violence or the general lack of freedom many women face in their daily lives. We want a change in mindset but that doesn’t happen in a day or week or even a year. It takes time. That being said, we have had an woman Prime Minister as well as a woman President. The most powerful person in the country right now is also a woman, Sonia Gandhi. We have had female suffrage ever since independence. We have our problems and we are trying to deal with them.

Also if I may add, the place, Assam, mentioned in the National Report article, is a beautiful state in the northeast of India. It has a rich cultural tradition and it was one of the few places in India that held out against the British for the longest time. Incidentally, the first Assamese film, Joymoti, was about a brave woman named Soti Joymoti, the real story about an Ahom princess tortured and killed by the Ahom king Borphukan for refusing to betray her husband Gadapani by disclosing his whereabouts. Also the dowry system which plagues most of India is almost absent in Assam.

Assam is however a poor state. And an article that unnecessarily targets a state in the name of satire is going to severely harm the very little tourism traffic it  gets. There are beautiful wild life sanctuaries is Assam, the Kaziranga National Park has the one horned rhino. Assam is a place of hills and valleys and rivers and a great culture.

PS: I welcome you all to comment. But a civil discourse will be deeply appreciated